I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.â€
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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