My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I think my moral compass just broke
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
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