You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Randomize
