Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
