My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
why is half of my head shaved?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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