Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
