Jerry, you need to find god
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
