I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
