I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Be still, my beating vagina.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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