I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
