i need an iv and a liver transplant
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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