see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
