HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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