Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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