he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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