You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
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level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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