K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
