last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
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This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
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