Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
