yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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