Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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