i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Randomize
