Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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