oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
