You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
