it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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