Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
