The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
