I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
