Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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