He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
