I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
