I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Randomize
