My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
