did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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