I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
