She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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