I cannot find my penis.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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