Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
