I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
