I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
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