He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
she told me i tasted like america
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
