I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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