and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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