Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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