just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
