i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
