Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
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