I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
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If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
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The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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