The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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