What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
