Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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